Crestfallen.nu » writing

Impromptu Shorty: Maybe Too Honest

Nat Marie — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 10:02:19 +0000

I’m a journalist for a magazine that specializes in health products. I normally review stuff of the adult persuasion (ya know; condoms, massagers, that kind of stuff). But I was thrown into a field that I had no clue about. I had to find the best diet pills and review them. It was a challenge, but I was okay with it.

So I started my research. I’d like to point out that I’m anti diet-pills, so the irony of me having to do this is just uncanny. Soon enough, I was finished and submitted my column. It was ready for press and I sighed relief.

A week later, when the magazine’s new issue came out, my boss got a lot of phone calls and mail. She called me into her office to talk about something.

I panicked. What the hell did I do? Apparently, so many people were outraged about the article. Most of them being from diet pill companies. Oops…

Impromptu Shorty: Those in Glass Houses

Nat Marie — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 19:34:45 +0000

They say that those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. But what if you live in metal buildings? The stones can get pretty noisy against it, no?

Anyways, I have a story to tell. A story that proves nothing more than to just be nice, because you will never know when it’ll come to bite you.

I had a friend a long time ago who…well, wasn’t a very good friend from the get go. She went off and did stuff, then pointed the finger elsewhere so that she can get off without punishment. She did this for 20 years. And got away with it. Until recently.

Have you ever heard of the saying “you may mess with the wrong person one day”? Well, that was the case here. She went off to rob a bank, then she, like normal, just blamed it on someone else. Well, this someone else turned out to be part of a crime mob. And well, when this person found out that she was being blamed by this nobody for this huge bank robbery, she wasn’t at all pleased.

She couldn’t believe that her sister would do something like that. So what did her dear sister do? She told her mob, and the mob didn’t kill her. Nah, that’d be too easy. They dug up as much dirt as they could on her, including the bank robbery. Can you say that she got her upcomings? She not only got thrown in prison, but she got lots of hate mail in prison from all of those who she blamed.

Including me. Nah, she didn’t blame me for anything, but hey, if you can’t beat them, join them.

Impromptu Shorty: An Easy A

Nat Marie — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 06:33:19 +0000

A college student got an assignment to do one week to write a short essay. The essay had to be 500 words or less, and pertaining to the class subject of the week, which was self-image. After searching and searching for a topic that had to do with self-image, she decided on the title:

Do fat burners work?

She worked hard for 15 hours straight, only getting up for a shower and some food. After a rough draft, a first draft, a second draft, a “why the hell do I need to do this” draft, and finally the final draft, her essay was done.

A week later, she gets her essay back, and was gazing in awe at the big red “A” on it. This is what the essay said.

Do Fat Burners Work?

They only work if the one doing the fat burning uses their finger. Slow and steady wins the race, ladies!

Impromptu Shorty: No Such Thing

Nat Marie — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 05:55:37 +0000

A man was on his daily television marathon when he saw an advertisement for the best weight loss supplement that you can literally get for pennies. The commercial was about 2 minutes long, quadruple the time that a normal commercial would be on for.

This weight loss supplement will melt away all the fat the moment you take it! Lose 10 pounds in 10 seconds!

After it finished, it was ingrained in his mind that this is what he needed so that he can look good for his date in a few days. So after he ordered it and got it shipped to him within 2 days, he started taking the pill.

But something wasn’t right. He wasn’t losing weight. In fact, he was gaining, and gaining fast. By the day of his date, he’d gain 50 pounds and literally had nothing to wear. He was freaked out indeed, but nothing else freaked him out more than his other side effects.

He started growing boobs.

His facial hair got even thicker.

Then the biggest one of all…

Anal leakage.

How in the world could he explain this to his date?!!

To be continued…

Impromptu Shorty: Don’t Always Trust Everything “Discounted”: Part 3

Nat Marie — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 16:50:06 +0000

Our paranoid friends, Shawn and Maria, went back to their deluxe apartment in the…boonies. They lived uneventful lives since then, working their mundane office jobs and coming back home to their decked out house. But now they needed a car. Shawn got a Ferrari that was…less than desirable. So he went on a lookout for any stores that may sell Ferrari parts. He found one. That was the easy part. Now for the hard part–convincing his wife that not everyone are scammers.

“Honey, come on! These guys are legit!”
“No, I don’t trust it!”
“You never trust anything!”
“But remember what happened at the discount furniture store?”
“It was a dream! A dream! It won’t happen to us!”

Maria ran out of the room and into the bathroom. She refused to come out, and Shawn wanted his car to be fixed. So he went to the store himself. It was pretty clean, nothing too out of place. With that, Shawn picked the parts he needed, paid cheaper than he expected, and went back home. When he was ready to start fixing up his car, he got the biggest shock of his life.

A small bag of marijuana stuck in the engine.

Seems like the woman’s always right.