Ugh, I hate that word. But it had to be done.

The site will be open, but there won’t be any more blog updates until maybe right before Christmas. So that’s about a week and a half.

Why, dare you ask? In the last entry, I said I was pretty miserable, and while it got a little better, I’m still not there yet. When I’m depressed, I tend to take on more projects. So I have a new web project in the works. By the way, I haven’t finished with the layout revamping here, and I have hacks and themes to add on P739. But yet…I add another project to the belt, and those two jobs in itself is overwhelming. When I get overwhelmed, I get depressed. I get depressed, I drown out with web projects. It’s a vicious circle, and the only way to break it is to eliminate at least one thing. Sadly, that means I have to eliminate the blogging for awhile until I get caught up, or feel well enough to handle it all.

Please keep in mind that I have no intention of closing this site. It’s sticking around for awhile. But for now, I gotta knock some of it down before I mentally break down–and that is the last thing I need right about now.

Just a couple more things before I leave you. Maybe some people may know about this guy. A small recap: I like him, but my mind is too clouded with dirty thoughts to say shit to him. Two words–he knows. Now I give myself a mental note–never say the phrase “I dare you” around my friends, whether or not I mean it. They will do it.

And some plugwhorage too–if you’re 16 and over, then you’re good to join P739, which I decided to lower the age to 16 to (with a few restrictions). Also, I would pay you $1,000 in Monopoly money to join Ecstasy. Love you guys! See you in a few.

This actually came from one of the last commenters on the pet abuse entry. I have CommentLuv installed, so when I get the notification of a new comment, I check out the last entry of the commenter. I’ve been to this person’s site a few times, so I know a little bit about her writing style, which has a profound and a bit poetic tone. I bring you Imperfections by Chanel.

I’ve struggled with my self-esteem for years. I’m still struggling to this very day. However, these days, while I do have my “ugh” days, it’s not as extreme as it used to be. I don’t think I’m as undesirable as I thought I was. It’s been proven, but I lack the confidence (or better yet, the balls) to go for a guy that I like. Not directly, anyway–I do it much better through writing, which is a passive way, but whatever. Anyway, I was moved to tears while reading this entry. What REALLY got me was these last few lines in the poem at the beginning.

he then grabs her hands, that were previously covering her body…
and bring them down.
he speaks…
“I capitalize your imperfections because they make you perfectly unique.”
and with that, he walks away. leaving her standing there…
flawed.
alone.
naked.
confident.
she loves….

Someone once told me to “embrace your diversity”. That’s basically what it means–we all have something that we hate about ourselves. For me, it’s my battle with my weight, my teeth, my hair. Some people hate that they’re short; some hate that their legs are scarred for whatever reason. Some of these things can be fixed with a couple of thousands and a good surgeon, but we all don’t have a couple of thousands and a good surgeon, so it’s best to just make do. There are some people who will bug us to no end about our imperfections, but really, that’s because they are in denial of their own imperfections. The moment they identify with said imperfections will be the moment that they will stop and think about how would they feel if someone tortured them about it. The word “unique” plays a big role. Everyone is. Like the snow that falls on Christmas day, no two people are exactly alike. Even if you feel like there’s something wrong with you, someone else will fall in love with what you think is wrong. If you have a big hairy mole, there’s someone with a big hairy mole fetish. If you have small boobs, there are some people left who believes that more than a handful is a waste. You just have to embrace your diversity, and settle for no less than what you are worth. You may not think you’re not worth a damn thing, but you do.

Will the change begin overnight? Nah, not happening. If that were the case, I wouldn’t be in therapy still. However, these past few months have made me see a few things that I probably would have hung myself for, and wouldn’t have been able to share with people if that were the case. While I do feel “ugh” some days, I think about how much worse I felt years ago. The “ugh” part now is more along the lines of me being lonely. It helps that I’m losing weight too, so it’s making me a little less critical of myself. Now I need to work a little harder on the passive part of me, because all of what I say now means nothing unless it is worked on. I’m so worried about being hated for who I am that I say nothing to a certain person who has influenced me to write more. He needs to know it, but I can’t tell him as easily. The day that can happen would mean that this battle with my imperfections can slowly wind down.

That would be the best achievement ever.

Chanel, more girls should read this entry. Pass it on.

My dad took the AC out of my room window too early.

It is now 66 degrees at 12 midnight right now. It is now October 18th. Landlords could turn the heat on for their tenants 3 days ago. I wonder who has turned on the heat already if they live in an apartment, because I’m here burning up. I’m lucky though; my dad already said that he was not turning the heat on before December 24th (he’s joking by the way). This is freaking ridiculous though. Normally around this time, the bubble coats start coming out of the closet. I’m tempted to bring out the capris again. What the hell?! This is the kind of weather that gets people sick. Unfortunately, I have no fan. So I’m weighing heavily on water intake. Ice water intake. October, Mother Nature! It’s fucking October! I swear it, next week there’s going to be a blizzard. With this kind of weather, it wouldn’t seem too impossible. I mean, it has happened 40 years ago in Northern Illinois. If this isn’t more signs of what global warming is doing, I don’t know what is.

In other news, I have a question: Have you ever met someone who has a strong passion for the same thing you have a strong passion for?

What I mean is that if you have a passion for writing, have you met someone with that same passion. No lie, I didn’t. Until just recently. A guy just came into the program a month ago. First of all, yes, I think he’s attractive. No, I don’t have a chance in hell with him. But anyway, something told me to talk to him. If you know me, you’ll know that talking to guys who I’m attracted to is not an easy feat. So this was ballsy, to say the least. We’re talking and he’s telling me how he loves to write and he was writing a novel. Immediately, my eyes widened. I’ve touched on most writing genres, and novels have come to mind, but it was the matter of my brain being able to handle it. I love Piscean intuition. I had a feeling, and I acted upon it, something that is a rarity of mine. Not only is he a great writer (I have read quite a few from him so far), but talking to him some more has shown me that he is very well-spoken. Now do you know why one of my mottoes are “Creativity is Sexy”?

I have a feeling that the DSP has an idea that I’m slightly attracted to him. But like I said, I really don’t stand a chance in hell. I don’t think so anyway. Maybe I do. Maybe something will give. Only time will tell. But this is a really nice budding friendship, to say the least.

Time for Plugwhorage! Go visit my girl, Angel. She is freaking awesome. Also, go join her board, Ecstasy. I’m Nyree.Kage; there. Another newfound friendship has been found in Jaleesa. Give the girl some love over there! Another board to join is Lovely on the Inside. I’m (no surprise) Shadow; over there. And you know P739 is still around. kage.no.wagami. is my username there.

That’s all for now. Good night, folks. I’m going to wash my ass now. *mumbles something about Mother Nature being a hobag*

As I sit here and type this, I am constantly switching my weight so that my hip doesn’t bother me as much. I’m failing…miserably.

I’ll start from the beginning. Today, me and a few of my friends go to Subway for lunch. We’re ready to leave, and we get outside, and me, totally oblivious to the step that’s there, I twist my left ankle (jeebus, again?!), and fall on my face. I’m in complete shock, and the first thing that comes to mind was my ankle. I always say that they’re always swollen, but as of late, they’ve significantly shrunk in size, but it may actually be the weight that I’ve lost these past few months. Surprisingly, it wasn’t too bad of a twist, so it didn’t bother me at all. Besides a scrape on the right arm, I was completely unscathed.

Or at least I thought so.

I’m walking and I notice that my left hip is a little sore. I can walk, but there’s an obvious soreness to it that I can feel, even if it’s faint. As the hours progressed, the pain got worse, and so I made sure that I got home before the big home rush came in, because the buses after about 3-4pm are overly crowded, and at this point, I am limping. Standing on the bus was not an option. I get home and I lay down for a bit to see if the pain would subside a little bit. Nope. In fact, I was taking a nap and I was busy switching positions to be more comfortable. I’m failing miserably.

My friends said that I should have stayed down in front so that they can see that I fell. But I felt fine until I felt the hip. It feels kind of like a pulled muscle though. So hopefully that’s what it is, and nothing too extreme.

In other news, in case you haven’t caught the “weight loss” thing, it’s true. I’m actually losing weight. Thing is, I’m not sure what the hell I’m doing right. It shows mostly in the ankles where it used to be swollen due to them being sprained so many times, and to this day, I can’t believe it. Whatever I’m doing is working, so I’ll stick with it. I’ve shed 6 pounds, which is still slow seeing as it’s been months, but it’s progress, dammit.

Ooh, I have something for you!

WTF Moment: What in the hell?!

So basically this is a fashion faux pas combined with…ick. There’s this girl at the program who cannot spend a little more time on her hair. It looks like she just rolled out of bed and left the house. It’s not one or two times either. It’s every day. It looks like a rat’s nest, no lie. All right, today she wears a red dress and ankle boots. :/ What the hell? Maybe I’m not catching it, but does anyone put on a dress (by the way, the dress is short) and ankle boots? Anyway, during lunch time after we got our lunch and after I busted my ass, me and my friends look and she has no fucking shoes on. She took her boots off, and it turns out that she didn’t even have on a pair of socks or even knee-high stockings. She was walking around, barefooted. On a floor where roaches and rats crawl on. Sick!

Here’s the kicker folks–we’re in group, and she goes to leave, and I catch her at the corner of my eye (well, actually I was looking at the instructor), and she’s digging up her ass as if she’s looking for fucking diamonds. At this point, I am wide-eyed. Who the hell does that in public? If you have a wedgie, you go somewhere where no one will see you, or you do it as discreetly as possible. She was all up in there. Good thing she had on drawers (although I’m questioning if she had on regular drawers or a thong) or I would be scared to look at her fingernails with shit probably encrusted in it.

Now that I have officially disgusted you, I am done with this WTF Moment.

I’m working on a new layout for over here, and I’m also working on Bitty Boards. So far, I’m half done with Bitty, but I haven’t really started coding the layout here. I’m rather behind in coding projects so I should get cracking after I take a shower and eat something (whatever the hell that may be).

Plugwhorage!! Mimi has a new board, and she loves new members, so go ahead and join WTF?! MB. I am kage.no.wagami. on that board. Also, it was almost by accident that I found Ashley again. She had disappeared for awhile, and now she and another person who was also missing in action, Toney has a new message board as well. So do them (and me) a favor and join Suburbs MB. I’m kage.no.wagami. there as well. And still, join Angel’s board, Ecstasy. I’m Nyree.Kage; over there.

I didn’t think I would be able to get all this out of myself today. See what a fucked-up hip can do? And I shall leave you with this joke.

A man kills a deer and brings it home for his wife to cook it. He and his wife decided not to tell the children what they’re eating, just let them guess what it is. So it’s dinnertime and the kids are wondering what are they eating. The wife says, “I’ll give you a hint–I call your father this all the time.” One of the kids, a little girl, tells her brother, “Don’t eat it! It’s a fucking asshole!”