You know what I like to do after a long day’s work? I like to step out of the cold and into the warmth of my house. I like to fix my bathwater and make it nice and warm. After that, I like to step in it and light some Padron cigars.

But today wasn’t a normal day.

It all started this morning. I rolled onto my dog, who whimpered and ran into my basement. She hasn’t come up since. It didn’t occur to me that I was actually running a half an hour late until I started cooking breakfast. I cracked an egg and saw that I needed to be at work in 15 minutes. I left the eggs and ran out to my car. I’m driving to work and something didn’t feel right. So I just looked down at my feet. I had on my house slippers. Thank goodness I keep a spare pair in my trunk.

But I forgot that I had taken them out to let my sister borrow them. Dammit.

So here I am, waltzing into work a half an hour late and in bed slippers, hungry as hell and my boss made it no better. “You’re late.” It took a lot out of me to curse her out, but I just shrugged and say “I know, I know, sorry”. I get to my cubicle and I try to turn on my computer. It won’t turn on. “What is going on here?!” I checked to see if something was loose in the back. Nothing.

What in the hell is going on today?

Clearly frustrated and realizing that unless my computer starts working again, there’s no way I’m getting any work done, I tried to get a hold of my boss. She was nowhere to be found. I’m running around every floor, with bed slippers on mind you, trying to find this lady. Nope, I can’t find her. I hiss and pack up my stuff. I left her a note.

“Donna, my computer’s not working for some reason. I’m going to finish my work at home.”

I’m starting to drive away and I’m jamming to some music. This makes me feel a little better. Then the traffic comes to a complete halt. Even the pigeons are moving slowly. “Oh, what the hell!” I had to turn to the news station to see what the hell’s the holdup. Sure enough, the traffic jam is caused by a truck accident carrying tons of grape jam. Wonderful. Three hours and lots of jam cleanup later, I finally get home. I stepped into the warmth of my house. I get my bathwater ready, and start to look for my cigars.

My dog ate them.