I took a small break to type this up before it flies right out of my head. I need to make room anyway.

For those who live in the US, or every other country that observes Halloween, Thanksgiving (I think Canada’s the only other country that observes it), and Christmas/Hanukkah, have you noticed that for the next three months, we’ll be eating? We just started our first wave last night.

So we have Halloween, which isn’t much of an eating holiday. Granted, you will be eating, but you don’t eat anything of substance. It’s candy. Chocolate, lollipops, my personal favorite (next to chocolates that is), Smarties…anything that’s fun size, bite size, or easy to pop in your mouth is on the menu. If you don’t have any cavities, you’re fitting to have some pretty soon if you eat so many. Of course, I’m not speaking for all people–a lot of people hate candy, or at least the kind that they get from other people. They might somehow get a Butterfinger with a rusty screwdriver embedded in it, as ridiculously slim the chances are.

You then have Thanksgiving, or Turducken day. I’m looking forward to November 20th This is one of the only days where I actually eat the recommended (for thin and athletic people anyway) 2,000 calories. Come on, who can resist turkey, stuffing, and buffalo wings, among others? Like I said last year, Thanksgiving is the bane of all diets. If you were on one on November 1st, and made progress, you’re going to be fucked when you smell the sweet potato or pumpkin pie. If you’re like my family and have a few cheese products on your menu, such as baked mac and cheese and baked ziti–good luck from a fat chick year-round to you, a fat person three months out of the year.

Then there’s Christmas, or Hanukkah for those who celebrate. My best friend happens to be Jewish, so he tells me that they chow down during this holiday as well. Can’t remember if he said it was for the whole 8 days though. Anyway, for some of us, Christmas is basically Thanksgiving with presents to sweeten the pot. The menu is just as large; the family is just as hungry. At least pumpkin pie is out of the mix, but if you’re into that kind of thing, fruitcake has its moments. Dude, what the hell’s in fruitcake anyway? In my family, we’ll eat some rum cake. Main ingredient: rum. But depending on who makes it, it’s not that strong. Or it could be very strong.

Speaking of rum, you sober up just enough to celebrate New Year’s Eve. Okay, not an eating holiday at all. But if you mix in champagne, Kamikaze shots and a terrible rendition of “Auld Lang Syne”, congratulations, you have a typical bar party in New York. They do not allow drunks into Times Square, so at least the ball-drop spectators are spared that much. But seriously, it might take some people days to sober up after that. Imagine someone walking into work on January 5th still stumbling over stuff. Okay, exaggeration there, but not unheard of to be slightly tipsy a day or so after.

So I (kinda) added up all of this. In three months, we would have eaten about 2 pounds of candy, up to 10,000 calories in food alone (may or may not include leftovers), consumed about 62 ounces of alcohol, whether baked or liquid, and have gained about 10 pounds.¹ Happy holidays.

PS: I have 1,734 words down so far for Mirror, Mirror. For those who are a part of this, here’s my page.