Impromptu Shorty time!

A woman just hit the jackpot of $150 million dollars. Once she claimed her prize, she decided to buy a new house. Her boyfriend, who is cheap beyond reason at this point, thinks that the house they’re in now is fine. Why get a larger house when the one they’re in isn’t falling apart or anything? “Why do we have to get a new house? We can use this money for our wedding, our honeymoon, vacations…anything! Why a house?”

The woman replies, “Wedding? You didn’t even propose!”
“How are you so sure that I wasn’t going to do it…eventually?”
“Because you’re so cheap that you’ll buy a box of onion rings and use one of them to put on my finger!”¹
“Oh, come on! I am not that cheap!”
“Oh, yes you are. You’re so cheap that when we went to Popeyes², you wouldn’t even buy the biscuits because they were ‘too expensive’!”
“They were!”
“They were only 89 cents!”
“89 cents can go toward gas!”
“That’s another thing: you wait until you have to push the damn car before you buy gas. Then, when you do, you only buy two gallons!”
“But it’s $3.50 a gallon! It’d cost at least $100 to fill it to the top!”
“Who the hell told you to get an Escalade with 24-inch platinum rims? Which is a whole ‘nother argument!”

Boyfriend lost. He was left speechless, because she brought up a good point. He’d pay $50,000 for a gas-guzzling SUV, but when it comes to other things, he’s stubborn. Reluctantly, he says, “All right, fine. You win for the 100th time. You can buy the house. But what else are we going to do with all that money? Are we going to get Branson rentals too?”

“We? We?! I’ve had it with your cheapness. I’m keeping this house, buying another, and getting a man who will not procrastinate with proposing, and giving me a 2.5 carat diamond ring! Since you’ll always be cheap, you’re outta here. Go back and live with momma. She’s cheap too!”

Since then, she gambled off half of that money and never got the new house, the new man, got married and got a 2.5 carat diamond ring. And she wasn’t able to keep the old house either since her boyfriend sued her for the rest because of pain and suffering and verbal abuse. The end.

¹This is a blatant Simpsons episode reference. When Marge got pregnant with Bart, Homer married her and got a house. Homer couldn’t make enough money to keep the house, so it got repo’d, along with Marge’s wedding ring. To make it up to her, Homer put an onion ring on her finger.
²Popeyes: A very good chicken joint with slamming biscuits and crispy chicken. It easily puts KFC to shame.