Thanksgiving is the bane of all diets.

I feel sorry for the person who decided to start a diet last night.

Happy Turducken day! I heard on the radio a few days ago that an average Thanksgiving plate of food is between 2,000 and 5,000 calories, which is basically a human’s daily calorie intake, or even worse, twice that amount. I can tell you right now, tonight…all that weight I lost isn’t going to mean a damn thing after I climb Mount Macandcheese.

Now, I know someone’s going to say “don’t you have self control”? Yes, to a degree. I’ve basically given up soda (I went through several cups a day–now I can go days without it), and I don’t crave chocolate as much. But tell me to half the portion of what I usually eat (which isn’t too much to begin with) during Thanksgiving–that deserves a pimp slap. I go for the ham, mac and cheese, stuffing, baked ziti (or lasagna), and the buffalo wings. And cornbread. Mind you, we’re a West Indian family–we cook. Notice that I didn’t say turkey. That’s the last thing I’d go for. Not because I don’t have enough room on my plate. It’s because I don’t care too much for it. The leftovers actually taste better. I go through cheese overkill, yes. But honestly, that’s actually the only time I fuck around with cheese. If I feel for cheese, it’s mostly Swiss cheese. Thanksgiving is also the only time I eat ham. Lasagna (or ziti) is only made twice a year–Thanksgiving and Christmas. So you see, I’m going to hate myself for it, but it will be worth it. And then I can basically feast on ice for breakfast and lunch until Christmas Eve.

When the holidays are over, some people hop on that January special at Bally’s. Then by February, the membership stays there and rot. Here are the groups of people who should boycott the holidays.

Those who say they’re going to work out, but never do. They’re the ones who go for everything on the table, have mountains of food on two-three plates. They gain about 10 pounds in one day. Their reasoning? Well, I’m going to just work it off after the holidays. Come January, nothing. February, nothing. March, nothing–and if they like to drink on St. Patty’s Day, then they’re very fucked. Just before you know it, November’s back around, and that whole work-out shit never happened, unless it’s to the fridge and back.

Those with heart conditions, and stressful families. I’m not trying to be funny here, even though it’s going to seem that way. I heard on the radio that after eating all this food, you’re susceptible to a short-term heart condition. This means that if you eat 5,000 calories at one time, and try to do something remotely physical, you can have a heart attack. Alternatively, if you eat 5,000 calories at one time, and you have that one uncle who comes to the family functions drunk as a motherfucker and starts yelling obscenities and maybe divulging some Jerry Springer-style secrets, you can have a heart attack. Now mix that in with a chronic heart problem…chyeah.

Those who take Alli. Um…yeah. Need I say more?

People prone to “the ‘itis“. A large consumption of food like one on the holidays cause some people to have a case of “the itis”, where after you eat, you just want to sleep. This is a problem because number one, you’re not supposed to go to bed immediately after eating a large meal, and number two, if you do go to bed, what’s going to happen with the mess in the kitchen?

But folks, don’t let this entry throw you off. Eat, drink, and be merry! I’m going to do that. I mean, other than gaining 20 pounds and shooting our cholesterol to 300, there’s not too much harm in doing it only once a year. Have your turducken and eat it too. Peace.

(Rant about Black Friday coming tomorrow maybe)